Kiss of the Raven Woman

I...hunger!

2009-07-01T09:52:28Z

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Lightning attack...nice!

nekuraetowaru @ 2009-06-03T11:50:00

2009-06-03T19:14:32Z

Dad isn't feeling well. Having random severe muscle cramps and headaches like a kick from a mule. I'm concerned, but I also agitated and feeling guilty because part of me wishes I could feel nothing. I hate worrying, and I hate worrying about him, which makes me feel small and petty and all those things one might feel when they don't want to worry about their own flesh and blood.

Growing up with him surely was not the worst thing. He did love me in his odd way. He DOES love me, but it is easier to see than it was when I was living at home because he isn't allowed to drink anymore. Ah yes, the famous whipping boy, That Demon Liquor. It isn't actually that simple, though. Well okay, it is and isn't..alcohol is a recurring theme in most any discussion of how we got to this place where he moves a certain way, and I flinch reflexively, and how I'm nearly 40 and still will pretzel myself emotionally to try and keep him chilled out, and maybe find a way to be acceptable to him.

I don't know how far down the rabbit hole goes, but HIS father, who I barely remember as he died when I was 4, was by all (and I do mean ALL) accounts a rotten prick. Started drinking first thing in the morning and stopped when he could no longer hold on to the floor. Okay so now picture this: Dad is a mean drunk (and not much better sober) and you're a short, fat, bespectacled kid with a army-issue buzz cut. Can you say disaster? I knew you could! So home sucked, school sucked, and he couldn't escape till college, and he didn't stay local. That worked out a little better, but the pattern was set. 68 He married my mom, who already had a daughter, and then 2 years later I came along. I've seen pix of dad from back then, and the poor man was as wide as he was tall. I saw the previews for Up, and *Russell*, poor bugger, is a dead ringer for my dad at the same age.

He's been doing better lately, but was still an awkward moment there...I guess even the people who hurt you can be hard to let go of. This little adventure has shown me that I am so not ready to say goodbye, which could be a problem given that he is now in his mid-70s...

Shouldn't I feel bad about this?

2008-12-08T04:08:59Z

I got laid off on the 3rd. I'm trying to panic, and freak out and whatever, I don't know...drive drunk? It isn't happening, though. I have a rare and accursed talent for finding the most gut-grinding, soul-crushing employment out there...among legal options...I'm well aware it can get worse.

This time it was a mortgage lender. Try watching someone who all but sold themselves into white slavery to try and save their home watch it go at a Sheriff's sale or auction. Awful. Try telling someone whose only income is social security or a pension that there is nothing you can do after they got suckered into some unholy awful loan package that now has them over a barrel.

I'm reminded of a line from Scrubs:

" I've been coming in here for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer. If I quit believing there was a bigger plan behind all this, well I just wouldn't be able show up tomorrow."

I hit that point. I was physically there, but mentally I was somewhere ANYWHERE else where I didn't have to be called names or try and comfort someone for whom I really had no comfort.

I never did figure out what the bigger plan was, but my suffering has ended. Perhaps this will be the time I find something that doesn't simultaneously make me want to scream, cry, or throw up.

Just in case, I bought a LOT of TUMS.

Well I'm the anti-excited

2008-01-23T07:59:40Z

Surgery in *looks at clock* 7 hours and I can't sleep to save my soul. I am and I'm not looking forward to this. The possibility of being pain free for the first time in over a decade is very exciting. The possibility of it not working scares me and I wonder if I've got over-reaching hopes and will be bitterly disappointed.

I guess I'll find out in 7 hours, right?

I have been indoctrinated!

2006-06-26T01:30:46Z

I have never kept a diary except for a brief period in middle school. Then my brother found it. That was the end of THAT! Thanks to a stellar effort by dad, he couldn't sit comfortably for a week after, but that was cold comfort.

I don't know how often or even IF I'll keep writing, but eh...it's something to do, I guess.